|I just look worn out, really!|
|J's graduation: (top) Uncle G, J, me, my sis, and G|
(bottom) cousin and girlfriend May '09. Empty nester almost.
|Self Help, I'd have really liked a maid instead.|
|Yes, I wanted this, but, it wasn't in the cards.|
A few days ago I had an epiphany. I sat before a large and never ending stack of obligatory paper work, time-sensitive forms and bills to pay on the left corner of my kitchen counter top. It had been moving to and fro my office for a few weeks or more. I don't know about you, but I procrastinate like crazy when it comes to boring reading of documents that require my signature or dealing with financial issues like securing student loans or waiting on hold to demand a refund from an online service (hint: use American Express because they will do it for you). I sat there looking at the daunting pile limp with shear burn-out having had a particularly enervating day.
|What to do?|
|I start my deep breathing...|
I even peeled off the taped messages to myself of wise quotes and the spiritually obvious one-liners. Finally, there was white space and I was in the moment. When my counter top was cleared, I found Zen. While hanging out there, I had a synapse that I felt within my solar plexus; everything made sense! I had been living in the moment while raising my boys. I had been nurturing myself spiritually like no meditating could ever have provided me. I had been the sun my sons orbited around. And that was an experience unlike any school, seminar, temple or monastery could ever provide me.
The deep wisdom, and education motherhood indoctrinated in me was patience, vision, strength, compassion, moral compass, respect, honor, dignity, confidence and strength (I know, I already said that). I didn't need to read any of those books! I had been living my spiritual honing every day and every moment while nurturing and supporting those same values in my sons.
|The simple perfection of a flower.|
Zen is how I choose to look at the way I have lived and continue to live my life. My past is ALL of the memories I cherish and the ones I work hard on for forgiveness. I can ponder on how things will be next week or next year because I have lived with the reality that "sh.t happens" and I am now skilled at the foresight to the potential outcomes resulting of my actions.
|The simple perfection of sun-tea, an old orchid plant, the never sprouting avocado seed and a chia pet.|
For now, I have a bare counter; no notes, lists, forms, volunteer agenda's, people to contact, bills to pay or the boys school requirements to complete. There are no pressing emergencies or a loved one sick.
I will let it go.